This comment yesterday by Stephanie grabbed my heart…
“I also wanted to express my sincere yearning for mentors. I do feel like there is a gender void (as you pointed out in your response to Michelle). Where are the female mentors? I often have questions about business/writing/blogging/life…and I wish I had someone older/wiser to consult.”
Mentors of the male gender are not in strong supply either, but there is a disconcerting and disproportionate dearth of female mentors. In fact, I don’t know one (non-professional) female mentor.
As one of my daughters observed me each Tuesday for the past eleven years leave our home early (when this artist type goes anywhere early—she knows it is a big deal) to meet with and mentor young males, she naively assumed it would be easy to find a female mentor during the formative time in her life between high school and college.
When she asked for my advice, I suggested asking a few ladies that we both knew and respected if they would temporarily serve as a mentor. I listened in disbelief as she related that each one told her no.
Even though all the ladies were certainly busy and some felt they were not qualified, it was hard at that time in her life not to take it as a personal rejection.
Seeing her tenacity and thirst for a mentor (this girl does not give up easily), together we eventually found a professional female life coach who graciously mentored her for this very significant time in her life. I might add we paid this coach her hourly rate and it was worth ten—if not a hundred—times the amount.
Over eight years later, I continue to hear my daughter recount quotes from this female mentor and it is evident this short time of care and concern by another older female who was not family influenced her life forever.
Needless to say, that life coach is a hero to me and when she asked for a bit of consulting, I was happy to do it—at a discounted rate!
I must also admit this experience gave me a time of bitter pause, “Why would my daughter have such a difficult time finding a female mentor, when I’ve given such a huge amount of my time and effort to be a mentor to so many men?”
Why is there a gender void in this area?
Is it because we have taught females (especially in church) that they are not qualified to serve as advisers? (See my post “Homogenized Religion—Where Are The Women?“)
Is it because the dynamic of close relationships between females is different than that of males?
Is it because of feelings of inadequacy?
Is it because as a culture we have not practiced sexual equality, and so the Boomer generation (my age) of females have no female mentors from the Builder generation (my parents age) to emulate?
Is it because of a lack of trust—in themselves, in others, and ultimately in God?
What I DO know is:
It is NOT because of a lack of time—every person (male and female) that gains the respect of the mentoring request is already too busy. Taking the time to mentor is simply a matter of priorities. Those of us who mentor regularly (Michael Hyatt comes to mind) are extremely busy with our careers and yet somehow (hmmm-maybe this is primarily a man thing?) we realize the importance of a legacy.
We also realize the reciprocal benefit that comes through the mentoring process.
A mentor does not have to DO anything special, they simply have to BE themselves and LISTEN and answer questions honestly. That is enough!
Where are our female heroes?
Why do you think we have a dearth of female mentors?
What can we do about this?
I value your thoughts.
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Twitter: sundijo
January 28, 2011 at 2:59 pm #
I remember specifically praying for God to put a mentor in my life. I needed someone to walk beside me, as I was depressed and loosing the feeling of having a purpose.
A few months later @jenniferowhite met me in church, and we’ve been inseparable since.
She has mentored me for almost three years, and during the course of those three years I have walked closer with Christ because of her. She encourages me, equips me, nurtures me, speaks truth to me, holds me accountable, and more.
I want to be more like her, because she strives to be more like Christ. I hope to encourage others on my journey through life, just as she has done for me.
@Sundi Jo, I’m so thankful for your story and for women such as @jenniferowhite
May we have many more because of this open and honest conversation!
Twitter: tiberjudy
January 29, 2011 at 2:31 pm #
@Sundi Jo, Our female mentors are where they’ve always been: in our families, in our churches, and in our charitable institutions. Look at the women around you at your next family meal. Glance at the ladies in the pews on Sunday morning. Look around you at the volunteers at your local soup kitchen or “good cause” meeting. I think you’ll see a plethora of Godly, mature, creative women to walk with you on the journey. We’re surrounded by a tapestry of life wisdom and insights woven each day by the women in our lives. Mentors called mothers and sisters and friends. No payment to life coaches needed. If you think you need one….work at a soup kitchen.
Twitter: sundijo
January 29, 2011 at 3:27 pm #
@Judy, I would agree with you for the most part. However, my family didn’t provide very good mentors. Some of the things that happened in my family was the reason I so desperately wanted a mentor.
When I met my mentor at church, she kept reaching out to me. Every time I would try to push her away, she would fight harder to help me understand her love for me.
I love that, “Work at a soup kitchen.” I think you’re onto something there.
@Sundi Jo, I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with Judy. To do so would be to ignore the myriad comments already made.
You would be very, very lucky to find a mentor at a soup kitchen. Most of the people there are sold out and dedicated to that ministry-the ministry of the homeless. I’ve been there. They are not where we need to seek mentors. Role models yes. Mentors no.
I wish the answer was as easy as Judy makes it, but I just don’t believe it is.
Twitter: sundijo
January 29, 2011 at 8:59 pm #
@Randy, Hmm.. That makes sense. They are devoted to that ministry, because most likely, that’s where God has called them. I didn’t think of it that way. Thank you for the insight.
If my friend and mentor, who God so richly blessed me with, was devoted to the soup kitchen, she probably wouldn’t have found the time to reach out to me.
God puts us all where we need to be. My mentor was designed by God to encourage and reach out to others by loving with kind words, deep communication, quality time, and more.
I guess we all “serve soup” in our own way. Thank you for the insight.
@Sundi Jo, Yes, indeed. there are many ways to serve “soup” in the kingdom.
Randy, this is quite an interesting topic. I find that, in circles where women are not allowed to do pulpit ministry, very few women are raised up as teachers. This, in turn, limits their exposure to younger women desiring mentors.
Where women are accepted, there still is, to a certain extent, a novelty in being a female preacher. (I say this as someone who has been ordained since 1983.) This situation can cause some women to become very territorial, as only a limited amount of females are competing for the novelty female preaching assignments.
I love to mentor women–in fact, my ministry revolves around this practice. Ephesians 4 says that we are to equip the saints for the work of the ministry–and I try to do my part with the female believers.
Thanks for starting this discussion. May the Lord bless you and your family richly.
Lisa :)
@Lisa Gilfillan, Lisa, what a fascinating perspective, and one that I’ve never considered. Fascinating!
Twitter: RichelleLambert
January 29, 2011 at 8:41 am #
Randy, I have sat here after reading your article and the outpouring of heartfelt comments that follow, my heart is overwhelmed with so many emotions. I am hopeful yet discouraged….trying to reconcile both. This articles penetrates deep into my soul as this has been a lifelong yearning and struggle for me. I recognize that women at least my circles are often void of authentic relationships that truly invest in their lives. I know this as I have opened my home to women in Bible Studies, etc and as I have had the privilege to speak to groups of women. I see after a few weeks these women open up and express that same yearning that I have….to have someone who wants to absorb us, who wants to understand the shape and structure of our lives, who will listen for more than our words, and invest their time and energy in providing a real mentoring relationship. It is the same exact desire that I have had all my life but yet to this day have not been privileged enjoy.
And looking back over my life, I recognize that even as early as a teenager I knew this deep longing. I even asked one of my Sunday School teachers at the time to fill this role. She certainly cared about me but was never able to be what I needed. As I went to college, I struggled to find that female relationship at a time that was so formative in my life. Interestingly enough, it was my male college professor who recognized areas of life that could benefit from mentoring. And for 3 years, he did invest as much as a male college professor can do without risking inappropriateness. And now after many many years of being a wife and mother and serving within the church, I still find that women have just not stepped up to the plate. I am a very driven type A strong woman that is very passionate. In my own experiences, I have yet to find another woman willing to come along side me. Interestingly, I have had men in various areas of my life who often step in with nurturing, accountability and direction but as a Christian woman I must be very careful in these relationships maintaining appropriate boundaries. Are the women intimidated by me? I have often asked this to myself.
Oh how I long for women to come beside me where I have the freedom to explore myself and the relationship at a richer depth. Interestingly, I have the privilege to know women personally that invest their life in women’s ministry professionally yet when I approach them even asking specifically for us to explore a mentoring relationship, I have been rejected. The only source of significant female mentoring that I have been able to get has been from paid Life Coaches/Counselors. And while I have benefited greatly from these seasons of life, what I would do for someone to come beside whom I did not have to pay.
I don’t know what the solution is. I am hopeful but then at times I think perhaps there are yearnings that just won’t be fulfilled on this side of eternity. One thing I do know as I continue to grow my ministry to women and as God opens doors for me to pour my life in others, I am much more sensitive to the need in other lives and much more willing to step into the role of mentoring younger women!!
Thank you for stepping up to address what we all feel here is a under-discussed subject matter!! Prayerfully, a seed has been planted in all of us that will now grow to produce fruit that we can plant into others!!!
@Richelle Lambert, Richelle, Thanks for baring your heart in such an articulate way. As I read these myriad comments, your seems to sum them all up most accurately.
This conversation has raised all sorts of emotion in me as I know it has in so many.
What is the next step?
Randy,
Thank you for opening this discussion. There is definitely a lack of women who are willing to be mentors. I experienced this from the earliest days of my career. The women around me weren’t interested in pouring into me – sometimes it was territorialism and many times it was simply that they felt inadequate. And both of those reasons are related to the fact that women, whether in business and especially in ministry leadership, are still forging new ground. The opportunities are still so new that even those that are a few steps ahead don’t feel qualified to give counsel or encouragement.
I know that’s not an excuse to not pour our lives into others, but since many of us didn’t see it modeled we are stumbling along trying to find our way.
The good news is that I’m seeing a generation of my peers who are willing to turn this tide. Who are finding more confidence in who they are in Christ and the overflow of that is that we have a heart to love and serve others.
I’m passionate about helping to lead the way in this!
@Jenni Catron, Thanks so much, Jenni. You have exemplified a desire to do something about this more than anyone I know.
From your personal desire to be mentored, to the Cultivate Her (sp?) events that you have created.
Thanks for your honest comment.
Again, your comment, “I know that’s not an excuse to not pour our lives into others, but since many of us didn’t see it modeled we are stumbling along trying to find our way” rings so true.
What can we do?
Twitter: carolynmejia
January 29, 2011 at 10:33 am #
i’ve pondered the subject of mentorship in my own life countless times. i’ve explored it many ways. perhaps i have more questions than answers still. so, rather than post my response to my experiences… i’m more curious about the questions that remain.
- is the way we receive mentorship changing in our ever-evolving socially connected world?
- a mentor by definition is one who provides counsel and teaching. do we not now have almost unlimited resources at our disposal for receiving counsel and instruction that previous generations could not even dream of?
- is there a greater, or perhaps just a different benefit to receiving our counsel and instruction from one or a select few individuals rather than relying on our new found confluence of ideas an discussions?
- should this conversation be more about finding women in our lives to help hold us accountable?
- is accountability different from mentorship?
sorry to ask so many questions so late in the discussion. it took me while to process all the amazing comments here. what a discussion!
@carolynmejia, Great questions, Carolyn. some I can only hope we find an answer for, but from my years of mentoring, accountability is definitely NOT mentoring.
In the accountability groups I have been a part of, I usually feel anxious, no matter how loving the leader, because my sins have “let him down” once again.
But in the mentoring relationship, there is no such anxiety. The agenda is for loving counsel, and many times is reciprocal.
They are two totally different environments.
Mentoring is not Bible Study, it is not accountability, it is not a small group.
It is simply and profoundly mentoring.
And I believe that nothing can take the place of the one-on-one or one-with-a-few visceral presence.
This is a great start: great questions lead to great answers!
Twitter: Annietackett
January 29, 2011 at 2:03 pm #
This is definitely a much needed conversation! For me, I have felt somewhat an outsider in the church world. I definitely don’t fit into anyone’s mold. Thank goodness! :) but I think I am the odd one out being 33 and single. Most of my friends from the church I grew up in have teenagers! It’s quit frightening to me actually. Maybe it’s a southern thing that all girls should grow up to be happy housewives. I wasn’t raised that way. My parents, who are both strong and encouraged us to be who God called us to be, have always supported me. Especially when my grandmother tells me to find a good man to take care of me! That is the mindset that keeps me from seeking a mentor. I trust my mother wholeheartedly and look to her for a lot of advice and counsel (along with anyone who meets her.) but in looking for a Christian woman I have found it difficult.
Maybe it is competitiveness or a lack of confidence. But I hope that more women will find their voices. I know that we (as women) have a lot of wisdom to share and we can’t let the next generation look to the world for
answers. I hope that God will use this lack in our lives to spur us toward a remedy.
@Annie, Thanks, Annie. Your quote is so powerful “I hope that God will use this lack in our lives to spur us toward a remedy.”
Randy, I love this post and I love the heart you have to see women grow and mature in their relationships with God, each other, and the Church.
Like, Annie, I’m 30 and single, and it’s hard to find my place in the church. Most of my friends, and even a lot of the kids I had in youth group, are now married. A female mentor would really help me along this spiritual path.
And I don’t know where to find one, but thanks for bringing up the issue that seems to resonate with so many of us.
@Amy, Thanks, Amy. I so hope this conversation will help us find some answers to very hard questions.
My earliest mentor was my 5th grade teacher then my 8th and 10th grade English teachers, then a long fallow period when I took my mentorship from popular culture. It wasn’t until my 4th year of legal practice that I found a male mentor, which worked great until the day he told me we couldn’t spend so much time together because people thought there was “something going on between us.” When I protested that there was nothing going on, he said, “that’s the point. If there WAS something going on it would be worth the gossip but given that there’s not, not.” I was devastated. I thought we were friends. Then another long long stretch of time with no mentors. Once again I relied upon literature and culture to sustain me. In my early legal career (first 10 to 15 years, most women acted as blockades; there was no chance they would help you; you were lucky if they didn’t hurt you). Then I returned to the community of creative writers – something I’d abandoned during law school and found spiritual support among them, which allowed me to lead a more balanced work life. Even though they didn’t strictly career-mentor me, I take to heart the advice of William Carlos Williams that “you can’t get the news in a poem/yet men die miserably every day for lack/of what is found there. When I quite practice after 25 years and began a mediation career, I found mentors aplenty and a changed environment where women were not only willing to guide me, but to help me make contacts in the community, i.e., they put their political “juice” on the line for me which is what women in the corporate world are now calling “sponsorship.” Throughout all of these years, I have mentored both men and women, primarily lawyers in my firm. I continue to mentor people who come to me for advice through social networking channels and as a result of “on the ground” networking in the legal and professional women’s communities. It’s getting better all the time. There’s a skill to be developed, by the way, in finding and securing mentorship/sponsorship. They do not show up at your door offering their services. You MUST reach out to someone you respect, ask them to lunch, and talk to them about the mutual benefit of a sponsor-sponsee relationship.
@Vickie Pynchon, Vickie, powerful words. Thank you.
Your quote has much wisdom: “There’s a skill to be developed, by the way, in finding and securing mentorship/sponsorship. They do not show up at your door offering their services. You MUST reach out to someone you respect, ask them to lunch, and talk to them about the mutual benefit of a sponsor-sponsee relationship.”
i’m a female seminary student, and recently I’ve come to the realization that I likely won’t have a formal mentoring relationship in this season. Instead, I’m gaining from collective mentoring–a female professor at my seminary, a female pastor at my church, and a dear friend who is also in seminary add richness, guidance, and perspective to my life. All speak into my life, but not in a formal, let’s meet twice-a-month format. I also benefit from conversations with male pastors and professors who have perspectives that encourage and grow me in different ways.
To fuel my part-time writing business, I’ve recently gained a few “Skype” and “phone” mentors. These are reciprocal relationships where women are freely sharing their advice. I’m probably gaining more than they are, but I look for ways to encourage their growth, too.
Finally, the mentoring dearth in our churches has hit home to me in the last week especially. Because I sometimes teach at church and blog about sensitive issues, women that don’t fit the normal church demographic have been reaching out to me for friendship. I am only one person, and I can’t teach or mentor everyone. What I can do is try to help connect them, to try to promote collective mentoring, to try to get them connected in a world where connection is rare.
To be frank, much of what I have to give mentoring-wise is poured out right now in a Bible study I facilitate for women in drug and alcohol recovery. This is the flesh-and-blood, life-on-life energy I’ve been called to give at present. I pray for wisdom to invest well, and faithfully, as the Holy Spirit leads–and to be open to new forms of mentoring when my season of life changes in the future.
Twitter: jeffgoins
February 3, 2011 at 12:50 pm #
Some of my most meaningful mentoring relationships have been with godly women who have taught me a lot about life. And I don’t just mean in a motherly way.
One such mentor was a distinctly southern woman who ran the camp that I counseled at for two summers. She was old enough to be my grandmother. But she was a firecracker and far tougher on me (in a good way) than any of the male leadership ever was.
I’ve learned some valuable lessons from female mentors and believe that women have a lot left to contribute to our society, especially within the four walls of the church.
Yeah, this is a great topic and one have been thinking on for a long long time.
I got to say, that part of the reason there’s a gap is because of our selfishness and sin nature. Women sin just as much as guys but thier sins look differnt.
I know I m a woman and I struggle with the same issues women struggle with.
When it comes to mentoring the younger women as Titus 2 tells us to do, we get jealous and competative.
We rember old scars from the past other women gave us, in competition for alot of stuff. mainly the affections of guys.
We tend to be selfish and want things our own way. And when it comes to doing duties, sometimes we just plain duck them and do other busy work we like, that looks acceptable.
As a woman, even a human being, it can be hard to free up time to be able to do something like this.
I mean today, there’s a million and one things that can be on our plate. And it can feel daunting, Your talking about a commitment over a good period of time.
And no one feels like they really have the right stuff to do it. You always feel like your trying to play catch up with your nieghbor to be good enough.
I think one thing that has made it a little easier for me to think about doing this is, that Ive been in 12 step groups where mentoring and sponsoring is no big thing. Your not a superstar, y our broken and growing like everyone else, you’ve just been working things a while and know how it works.
I might not mega but I have been living life a while and know how the basics work. And if Im not all I could be in an area, I don’t take it hard. Im not super woman. Its mostly just being there for another and having others there for me that helps. That they listen and I listen back.
I’ve had a counselor who used to be leader in women’s ministry and she said that women came up to her all the time asking how to get friends. A lot of women don’t feel like they can really connect and are running on empty and probably mentoring feels like one more drain, with a low battery.
I’ve really looked at this and it can be difficult to connect with other women. Because we are differnt from men. So connecting is differint. You are escentally forming a friendship with another women, that’s the way God made us, and that’s good. That’s the way He wants it. But it makes it harder to connect.
Also most women that I have had to try to connect to in church are interested in family, friends, clothes and makign a home. Not because they are limited, but its naturally what women are interested. To find someone to help, I have had to go to where what I’m interested in is happening. IE theology, studing harder and deeper than just Sundays. So I had to find people who were interested in that and then look for other women there. Thats how I connected to other women.
Also, esepcially in american, people tend to be more segmented into groups. Older, mature christian women tend to be in traditional churches like presbyterian or methodist. Younger women in younger churches. So they will be seperated. The younger women need to go to the more traditional churches to find the older women. You dont have to go forever or leave your church. Just to connect. And the older women need to go to the newer churches to find the younger women, so they can connect with them.
Also alot of people have segrigated neighborhoods. Many older women live in senior only parks or apartment buildings. And younger in the burbs or the city. So you tend not to find them in your nieghborhood like you used to. You have to go where the senior citizens hang out like homes or events ect to connect. They are there, its a bit of scouting and such to find it.
You have to be willing to join into the fabric of another woman’s life to connect. Especially if your single and she has a family and kids. Its harder for her to connect.
And we women tend to be harder on the girls than than the guys so we can be perfectionistic with one another. We have to ease up on one another to conect more and be willing to forgive the “mean girls” from the past so we can love each other as a family.
Twitter: jeedoo417
March 1, 2011 at 4:06 pm #
So many good questions. This coming weekend at Synergy2011 300 women (and a few men) will be challenged and encouraged as they follow God’s call on their lives. And I am sure there will be many mentoring connections made.
Twitter: robinmstanley
March 12, 2011 at 3:20 pm #
I’m logging on here without time to read through all the comments, intrigued by even the numbers. Obviously, there’s a need among us going unfilled. I’m praying; I’ll be back. Bless you.