Shame kills.
Guilt and shame are often thought of interchangeably, when in fact they are quite different. Guilt can trigger the desire to reach out and make amends, while shame makes a person feel worthless and inhuman.
To be shamed is to be rejected. Shame is a way of isolating a person from the “collective we”. He or she becomes an outsider and a nonperson.
If one feels like a nonbeing, socially ostracized and without self-worth, he is unable to draw upon his empathic reserves to feel for another’s plight.
This leads to withdrawal and in effect death.
When one is made to feel guilty, it is one’s humanity that is being called upon to do the right thing.
But when one is made to feel shame, he feels isolated from humanity.
Guilt is an internal mechanism that reminds one of his deep social connection to others and the need to repair the social bond.
But shame tells one they are not living up to other’s expectations, and, therefore, not worthy of their consideration. Other’s expectations, rather than his humanity, become the focal point of the discipline.
One feels as if his very being is a disappointment and that he must conform to the “ideal image’ of what others expect from him or suffer the consequence of rejection.
Cultures of shame create very different people than cultures of guilt.
Ironically, while a shaming culture pretends to adhere to the highest standards of moral perfection, in reality it produces a culture of self-hate, envy, jealousy and hatred toward others.
When one lives in a shaming culture, one believes that you must conform to an ideal of perfection or purity or suffer the wrath of the community.
In the Muslim community, it is not uncommon to hear about a woman who has been gang-raped and who is then stoned to death by her own family and neighbors, because she has brought shame on herself and her family.
In the Christian culture, a person who has made a moral mistake, is often ostracized and and treated as a non-being. Rather than empathize with his suffering, the community inflicts even greater punishment by treating him as an object of disgust to be blotted out.
The power of shaming cultures to squelch empathy and transform human beings into non-beings is chilling to behold.
However, an empathic culture has the ability to experience a person’s pain as if it were their own.
An empathic culture is able to emotionally and cognitively take notice of the whole of another person’s existence and develop an empathic response to the totality of their experience and being.
Question: Do you think religion promotes a shaming culture or an empathic culture?
If this post caused you to think (not agree with it, but caused you to think) please consider sharing it by clicking one of the buttons below.
Note: These words are not my own. They are from the powerful book The Empathic Civilization by Jeremy Rifkin. The contextualization is mine.
21 responses to “They LOOK Like Christians, They TALK Like Christians, But They Are Actually Killers”
years ago, i coined a phrase – evangefundaguiltalism – i think you get it. it might have been better said as – evangefundashamealism, however that does not flow off of the tongue as nicely.
me thinks there is wonderful news in knowing the difference between conviction & condemnation. the former opens up a world of possibility. the latter shuts down whatever fragment of remaining hope there might be.
The title, Randy, is as evocative as the painting itself. Oh how we can drive others to despair in our religiosity and in our pharasaical attitudes boosted by declarations of thanks (silently spoken, of course) that we are not so bad as our neighbor.
Religion leaves little room for love, grace or empathy. Religion evokes fear, and yes shame. Empathic love extends grace.
Am I right in assuming that is one of your paintings? If so, it is one of your best (imo), most evocative works. Will you be offering prints?
If you mean the one accompanying this post. Yes, it is mine. It’s called “Despair.” Prints are available here: http://www.sacramentallife.org/2011/09/07/despair/
Thanks, Mike.
As someone who struggled alone with a “hidden” addiction for many years, I am all too familiar with the concepts of guilt and shame. For me, I never felt shamed directly. By design, I never let anyone know what I struggled with. However, I felt shamed when Christians would discuss (with disgust) people with the same struggles I had.
I’ll never forget being in a church service in which the pastor had been frank and honest about my type of struggle (porn and masturbation). He discussed recovery opportunities and for the first time in a long time I felt hope, when I walked into the lobby after the service, I ran into an acquaintance and he was spouting all kinds of crap about how this was an issue of self-control that had no place being discussed in church. I left feeling angry, inhuman, and most importantly hopeless.
I believe that religion is about fundamentally about right and wrong, and it can lead to an extremist or fundamentalist position in a disciplined life. I believe that often a religious life is the opposite of a Spirit-filled life. I believe that in a religion-focused culture, ideals are elevated above individuals, perfection is elevated above personality, and behaving is elevated above belonging. It is no wonder that religion promotes a shaming culture. Anyone seeking salvation from religion will eventually be disappointed.
Paul says in Romans, “Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life.” He goes on to say, “Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing.” MSG
I believe that one of the many reasons Jesus came to earth was to course correct the path religion had set us on. I have been very fortunate to find a community of Christ-followers who believe that by working together and supporting one another we can all lead Christ-inspired, spirit-filled and disciplined lives without falling into the religion-trap.
Thank you for writing about such an important subject in Christian culture. It obviously struck a nerve with me.
Thanks so much, Nathan, for your incredible honesty.
Randy, religion accomplishes nothing. It’s a mask for controlling others through a set of rules. Unfortunately it’s often the vehicle for half truth. Whole truth is found in the Word. Too few of us measure our lives by it, because it leads to conviction (a.k.a. Guilt) which in turn leads to repentance and restoration, when followed in its entirety. When it is not followed through with, it becomes a vehicle for more religion. Freedom from religion comes when we embrace our worthlessness as humans and our worthiness because of the cross. We are never entitled, just joint heirs. This should compell us to seek the Truth, since we are heirs with the Truth (the Way and the Light). His way is the way to abundant life. It was for freedom that He set us free.
Thanks, Tonda. I understand the context of what you are saying, and it sounds so easy, doesn’t it? I struggle with this statement, “Freedom from religion comes when we embrace our worthlessness as humans..”
I have found both Randy. I have been in communities of faith where grace is taught with great care, yet rarely practiced. John Ortberg’s essay “Do They Know Us by Our Love” comes to mind. And yet it is a truly wonderful and blessed community that actually dispenses grace. I’ve found that community and I hope everyone else does to.
I’m thankful, Bryan you have found that community. I have found it also here in Austin in true friends.
Great post, Randy! I’ve been thinking about this lately too. I don’t think religion inherently promotes a shaming or empathic culture, but it certainly CAN promote one or the other. On the lips of charlatans, religion has been used for millenia to control, oppress, and shame. Of course this is not the religion Jesus taught. Proof is in how Paul uses the word freedom and the frequency of usage in the NT.
Thanks, Brett! “On the lips of charlatans, religion has been used for millenia to control, oppress, and shame. Of course this is not the religion Jesus taught.”
Nobody eats their own better than the “church” and the “christian community”. It is sad to make that statement but that is how I feel from what I have observed over the years growing up in the south. Empathy culture is rare, but so needed. I would venture to say that if one takes a wrong raod and is found to be shamed or guilted he can count on one hand the number of people who “truley ” show support” during a time of need. Let’s hope we see a change in the generations to come.
“Let’s hope we see a change in the generations to come.” Amen to that.
Sadly most religious communities tend to promote a shaming culture.
And the more convinced a religion community is that their way of religion is the correct way, the more shame producing it can be.
Thanks, Janet, for joining this conversation. Again, powerful words, “And the more convinced a religion community is that their way of religion is the correct way, the more shame producing it can be.”
Pithy and true statement, Janet.
Shame can be such a pious means of manipulation.
“Question: Do you think religion promotes a shaming culture or an empathic culture?”
From my experience with ‘christianity’; from both the giving and receiving side = “Shame”.
Its rather sad really, since it is the complete opposite of the way Jesus lived.
Thanks for joining the conversation, Rocco. Powerful words, “Its rather sad really, since it is the complete opposite of the way Jesus lived.”
was used at a church for over 10 years….”younger”…”hipper” people came along…..the church stopped using me….i asked why….leadership got upset and called me ” unsafe”…i began believing them…they told me they forgave me but i couldn’t volunteer at the church until they let me back in…deemed me safe again…i still don’t understand what went down??
Thanks Cindy for your honesty. I understand not understanding.