In Search of Heroes — Where Are The Female Mentors?

January 27, 2011

This comment yesterday by Stephanie grabbed my heart…

“I also wanted to express my sincere yearning for mentors. I do feel like there is a gender void (as you pointed out in your response to Michelle). Where are the female mentors? I often have questions about business/writing/blogging/life…and I wish I had someone older/wiser to consult.”

Mentors of the male gender are not in strong supply either, but there is a disconcerting and disproportionate dearth of female mentors. In fact, I don’t know one (non-professional) female mentor.

As one of my daughters observed me each Tuesday for the past eleven years leave our home early (when this artist type goes anywhere early—she knows it is a big deal) to meet with and mentor young males, she naively assumed it would be easy to find a female mentor during the formative time in her life between high school and college.

When she asked for my advice, I suggested asking a few ladies that we both knew and respected if they would temporarily serve as a mentor. I listened in disbelief as she related that each one told her no.

Even though all the ladies were certainly busy and some felt they were not qualified, it was hard at that time in her life not to take it as a personal rejection.

Seeing her tenacity and thirst for a mentor (this girl does not give up easily), together we eventually found a professional female life coach who graciously mentored her for this very significant time in her life. I might add we paid this coach her hourly rate and it was worth ten—if not a hundred—times the amount.

Over eight years later, I continue to hear my daughter recount quotes from this female mentor and it is evident this short time of care and concern by another older female who was not family influenced her life forever.

Needless to say, that life coach is a hero to me and when she asked for a bit of consulting, I was happy to do it—at a discounted rate!

I must also admit this experience gave me a time of bitter pause, “Why would my daughter have such a difficult time finding a female mentor, when I’ve given such a huge amount of my time and effort to be a mentor to so many men?”

Why is there a gender void in this area?

Is it because we have taught females (especially in church) that they are not qualified to serve as advisers? (See my post “Homogenized Religion—Where Are The Women?“)

Is it because the dynamic of close relationships between females is different than that of males?

Is it because of feelings of inadequacy?

Is it because as a culture we have not practiced sexual equality, and so the Boomer generation (my age) of females have no female mentors from the Builder generation (my parents age) to emulate?

Is it because of a lack of trust—in themselves, in others, and ultimately in God?

What I DO know is:

It is NOT because of a lack of time—every person (male and female) that gains the respect of the mentoring request is already too busy. Taking the time to mentor is simply a matter of priorities. Those of us who mentor regularly (Michael Hyatt comes to mind) are extremely busy with our careers and yet somehow (hmmm-maybe this is primarily a man thing?) we realize the importance of a legacy.

We also realize the reciprocal benefit that comes through the mentoring process.

A mentor does not have to DO anything special, they simply have to BE themselves and LISTEN and answer questions honestly. That is enough!

Where are our female heroes?

Why do you think we have a dearth of female mentors?

What can we do about this?

I value your thoughts.

154 responses to “In Search of Heroes — Where Are The Female Mentors?”

Robin Stanley

March 12, 2011

I’m logging on here without time to read through all the comments, intrigued by even the numbers. Obviously, there’s a need among us going unfilled. I’m praying; I’ll be back. Bless you.

Jeedoo

March 1, 2011

So many good questions. This coming weekend at Synergy2011 300 women (and a few men) will be challenged and encouraged as they follow God’s call on their lives. And I am sure there will be many mentoring connections made.

lola1001

February 10, 2011

As a woman, even a human being, it can be hard to free up time to be able to do something like this.

I mean today, there’s a million and one things that can be on our plate. And it can feel daunting, Your talking about a commitment over a good period of time.

And no one feels like they really have the right stuff to do it. You always feel like your trying to play catch up with your nieghbor to be good enough.

I think one thing that has made it a little easier for me to think about doing this is, that Ive been in 12 step groups where mentoring and sponsoring is no big thing. Your not a superstar, y our broken and growing like everyone else, you’ve just been working things a while and know how it works.

I might not mega but I have been living life a while and know how the basics work. And if Im not all I could be in an area, I don’t take it hard. Im not super woman. Its mostly just being there for another and having others there for me that helps. That they listen and I listen back.

I’ve had a counselor who used to be leader in women’s ministry and she said that women came up to her all the time asking how to get friends. A lot of women don’t feel like they can really connect and are running on empty and probably mentoring feels like one more drain, with a low battery.

I’ve really looked at this and it can be difficult to connect with other women. Because we are differnt from men. So connecting is differint. You are escentally forming a friendship with another women, that’s the way God made us, and that’s good. That’s the way He wants it. But it makes it harder to connect.

Also most women that I have had to try to connect to in church are interested in family, friends, clothes and makign a home. Not because they are limited, but its naturally what women are interested. To find someone to help, I have had to go to where what I’m interested in is happening. IE theology, studing harder and deeper than just Sundays. So I had to find people who were interested in that and then look for other women there. Thats how I connected to other women.

Also, esepcially in american, people tend to be more segmented into groups. Older, mature christian women tend to be in traditional churches like presbyterian or methodist. Younger women in younger churches. So they will be seperated. The younger women need to go to the more traditional churches to find the older women. You dont have to go forever or leave your church. Just to connect. And the older women need to go to the newer churches to find the younger women, so they can connect with them.

Also alot of people have segrigated neighborhoods. Many older women live in senior only parks or apartment buildings. And younger in the burbs or the city. So you tend not to find them in your nieghborhood like you used to. You have to go where the senior citizens hang out like homes or events ect to connect. They are there, its a bit of scouting and such to find it.

You have to be willing to join into the fabric of another woman’s life to connect. Especially if your single and she has a family and kids. Its harder for her to connect.

And we women tend to be harder on the girls than than the guys so we can be perfectionistic with one another. We have to ease up on one another to conect more and be willing to forgive the “mean girls” from the past so we can love each other as a family.

lola1001

February 7, 2011

Yeah, this is a great topic and one have been thinking on for a long long time.

I got to say, that part of the reason there’s a gap is because of our selfishness and sin nature. Women sin just as much as guys but thier sins look differnt.

I know I m a woman and I struggle with the same issues women struggle with.

When it comes to mentoring the younger women as Titus 2 tells us to do, we get jealous and competative.

We rember old scars from the past other women gave us, in competition for alot of stuff. mainly the affections of guys.

We tend to be selfish and want things our own way. And when it comes to doing duties, sometimes we just plain duck them and do other busy work we like, that looks acceptable.

Jeff Goins

February 3, 2011

Some of my most meaningful mentoring relationships have been with godly women who have taught me a lot about life. And I don’t just mean in a motherly way.

One such mentor was a distinctly southern woman who ran the camp that I counseled at for two summers. She was old enough to be my grandmother. But she was a firecracker and far tougher on me (in a good way) than any of the male leadership ever was.

I’ve learned some valuable lessons from female mentors and believe that women have a lot left to contribute to our society, especially within the four walls of the church.

Me, Myself and I: 10 EASY Ways to Reach Out To Those Around Me | Ally Spotts

January 31, 2011

[…] commitment right now, make a commitment of time instead. Recently Randy Elrod wrote a post “Where Are All the Female Mentors?” that made me think both about how grateful I am for the women in my life who have offered their […]

Suzanne Burden

January 30, 2011

i’m a female seminary student, and recently I’ve come to the realization that I likely won’t have a formal mentoring relationship in this season. Instead, I’m gaining from collective mentoring–a female professor at my seminary, a female pastor at my church, and a dear friend who is also in seminary add richness, guidance, and perspective to my life. All speak into my life, but not in a formal, let’s meet twice-a-month format. I also benefit from conversations with male pastors and professors who have perspectives that encourage and grow me in different ways.

To fuel my part-time writing business, I’ve recently gained a few “Skype” and “phone” mentors. These are reciprocal relationships where women are freely sharing their advice. I’m probably gaining more than they are, but I look for ways to encourage their growth, too.

Finally, the mentoring dearth in our churches has hit home to me in the last week especially. Because I sometimes teach at church and blog about sensitive issues, women that don’t fit the normal church demographic have been reaching out to me for friendship. I am only one person, and I can’t teach or mentor everyone. What I can do is try to help connect them, to try to promote collective mentoring, to try to get them connected in a world where connection is rare.

To be frank, much of what I have to give mentoring-wise is poured out right now in a Bible study I facilitate for women in drug and alcohol recovery. This is the flesh-and-blood, life-on-life energy I’ve been called to give at present. I pray for wisdom to invest well, and faithfully, as the Holy Spirit leads–and to be open to new forms of mentoring when my season of life changes in the future.

Vickie Pynchon

January 29, 2011

My earliest mentor was my 5th grade teacher then my 8th and 10th grade English teachers, then a long fallow period when I took my mentorship from popular culture. It wasn’t until my 4th year of legal practice that I found a male mentor, which worked great until the day he told me we couldn’t spend so much time together because people thought there was “something going on between us.” When I protested that there was nothing going on, he said, “that’s the point. If there WAS something going on it would be worth the gossip but given that there’s not, not.” I was devastated. I thought we were friends. Then another long long stretch of time with no mentors. Once again I relied upon literature and culture to sustain me. In my early legal career (first 10 to 15 years, most women acted as blockades; there was no chance they would help you; you were lucky if they didn’t hurt you). Then I returned to the community of creative writers – something I’d abandoned during law school and found spiritual support among them, which allowed me to lead a more balanced work life. Even though they didn’t strictly career-mentor me, I take to heart the advice of William Carlos Williams that “you can’t get the news in a poem/yet men die miserably every day for lack/of what is found there. When I quite practice after 25 years and began a mediation career, I found mentors aplenty and a changed environment where women were not only willing to guide me, but to help me make contacts in the community, i.e., they put their political “juice” on the line for me which is what women in the corporate world are now calling “sponsorship.” Throughout all of these years, I have mentored both men and women, primarily lawyers in my firm. I continue to mentor people who come to me for advice through social networking channels and as a result of “on the ground” networking in the legal and professional women’s communities. It’s getting better all the time. There’s a skill to be developed, by the way, in finding and securing mentorship/sponsorship. They do not show up at your door offering their services. You MUST reach out to someone you respect, ask them to lunch, and talk to them about the mutual benefit of a sponsor-sponsee relationship.

Randy

January 29, 2011

@Vickie Pynchon, Vickie, powerful words. Thank you.

Your quote has much wisdom: “There’s a skill to be developed, by the way, in finding and securing mentorship/sponsorship. They do not show up at your door offering their services. You MUST reach out to someone you respect, ask them to lunch, and talk to them about the mutual benefit of a sponsor-sponsee relationship.”

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Amy

January 29, 2011

Randy, I love this post and I love the heart you have to see women grow and mature in their relationships with God, each other, and the Church.

Like, Annie, I’m 30 and single, and it’s hard to find my place in the church. Most of my friends, and even a lot of the kids I had in youth group, are now married. A female mentor would really help me along this spiritual path.

And I don’t know where to find one, but thanks for bringing up the issue that seems to resonate with so many of us.

Randy

January 29, 2011

@Amy, Thanks, Amy. I so hope this conversation will help us find some answers to very hard questions.

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Annie

January 29, 2011

This is definitely a much needed conversation! For me, I have felt somewhat an outsider in the church world. I definitely don’t fit into anyone’s mold. Thank goodness! :) but I think I am the odd one out being 33 and single. Most of my friends from the church I grew up in have teenagers! It’s quit frightening to me actually. Maybe it’s a southern thing that all girls should grow up to be happy housewives. I wasn’t raised that way. My parents, who are both strong and encouraged us to be who God called us to be, have always supported me. Especially when my grandmother tells me to find a good man to take care of me! That is the mindset that keeps me from seeking a mentor. I trust my mother wholeheartedly and look to her for a lot of advice and counsel (along with anyone who meets her.) but in looking for a Christian woman I have found it difficult.

Maybe it is competitiveness or a lack of confidence. But I hope that more women will find their voices. I know that we (as women) have a lot of wisdom to share and we can’t let the next generation look to the world for
answers. I hope that God will use this lack in our lives to spur us toward a remedy.

Randy

January 29, 2011

@Annie, Thanks, Annie. Your quote is so powerful “I hope that God will use this lack in our lives to spur us toward a remedy.”

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carolynmejia

January 29, 2011

i’ve pondered the subject of mentorship in my own life countless times. i’ve explored it many ways. perhaps i have more questions than answers still. so, rather than post my response to my experiences… i’m more curious about the questions that remain.

– is the way we receive mentorship changing in our ever-evolving socially connected world?
– a mentor by definition is one who provides counsel and teaching. do we not now have almost unlimited resources at our disposal for receiving counsel and instruction that previous generations could not even dream of?
– is there a greater, or perhaps just a different benefit to receiving our counsel and instruction from one or a select few individuals rather than relying on our new found confluence of ideas an discussions?
– should this conversation be more about finding women in our lives to help hold us accountable?
– is accountability different from mentorship?

sorry to ask so many questions so late in the discussion. it took me while to process all the amazing comments here. what a discussion!

Randy

January 29, 2011

@carolynmejia, Great questions, Carolyn. some I can only hope we find an answer for, but from my years of mentoring, accountability is definitely NOT mentoring.

In the accountability groups I have been a part of, I usually feel anxious, no matter how loving the leader, because my sins have “let him down” once again.

But in the mentoring relationship, there is no such anxiety. The agenda is for loving counsel, and many times is reciprocal.

They are two totally different environments.

Mentoring is not Bible Study, it is not accountability, it is not a small group.

It is simply and profoundly mentoring.

And I believe that nothing can take the place of the one-on-one or one-with-a-few visceral presence.

This is a great start: great questions lead to great answers!

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Jenni Catron

January 29, 2011

Randy,
Thank you for opening this discussion. There is definitely a lack of women who are willing to be mentors. I experienced this from the earliest days of my career. The women around me weren’t interested in pouring into me – sometimes it was territorialism and many times it was simply that they felt inadequate. And both of those reasons are related to the fact that women, whether in business and especially in ministry leadership, are still forging new ground. The opportunities are still so new that even those that are a few steps ahead don’t feel qualified to give counsel or encouragement.

I know that’s not an excuse to not pour our lives into others, but since many of us didn’t see it modeled we are stumbling along trying to find our way.

The good news is that I’m seeing a generation of my peers who are willing to turn this tide. Who are finding more confidence in who they are in Christ and the overflow of that is that we have a heart to love and serve others.

I’m passionate about helping to lead the way in this!

Randy

January 29, 2011

@Jenni Catron, Thanks so much, Jenni. You have exemplified a desire to do something about this more than anyone I know.

From your personal desire to be mentored, to the Cultivate Her (sp?) events that you have created.

Thanks for your honest comment.

Again, your comment, “I know that’s not an excuse to not pour our lives into others, but since many of us didn’t see it modeled we are stumbling along trying to find our way” rings so true.

What can we do?

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Richelle Lambert

January 29, 2011

Randy, I have sat here after reading your article and the outpouring of heartfelt comments that follow, my heart is overwhelmed with so many emotions. I am hopeful yet discouraged….trying to reconcile both. This articles penetrates deep into my soul as this has been a lifelong yearning and struggle for me. I recognize that women at least my circles are often void of authentic relationships that truly invest in their lives. I know this as I have opened my home to women in Bible Studies, etc and as I have had the privilege to speak to groups of women. I see after a few weeks these women open up and express that same yearning that I have….to have someone who wants to absorb us, who wants to understand the shape and structure of our lives, who will listen for more than our words, and invest their time and energy in providing a real mentoring relationship. It is the same exact desire that I have had all my life but yet to this day have not been privileged enjoy.

And looking back over my life, I recognize that even as early as a teenager I knew this deep longing. I even asked one of my Sunday School teachers at the time to fill this role. She certainly cared about me but was never able to be what I needed. As I went to college, I struggled to find that female relationship at a time that was so formative in my life. Interestingly enough, it was my male college professor who recognized areas of life that could benefit from mentoring. And for 3 years, he did invest as much as a male college professor can do without risking inappropriateness. And now after many many years of being a wife and mother and serving within the church, I still find that women have just not stepped up to the plate. I am a very driven type A strong woman that is very passionate. In my own experiences, I have yet to find another woman willing to come along side me. Interestingly, I have had men in various areas of my life who often step in with nurturing, accountability and direction but as a Christian woman I must be very careful in these relationships maintaining appropriate boundaries. Are the women intimidated by me? I have often asked this to myself.

Oh how I long for women to come beside me where I have the freedom to explore myself and the relationship at a richer depth. Interestingly, I have the privilege to know women personally that invest their life in women’s ministry professionally yet when I approach them even asking specifically for us to explore a mentoring relationship, I have been rejected. The only source of significant female mentoring that I have been able to get has been from paid Life Coaches/Counselors. And while I have benefited greatly from these seasons of life, what I would do for someone to come beside whom I did not have to pay.

I don’t know what the solution is. I am hopeful but then at times I think perhaps there are yearnings that just won’t be fulfilled on this side of eternity. One thing I do know as I continue to grow my ministry to women and as God opens doors for me to pour my life in others, I am much more sensitive to the need in other lives and much more willing to step into the role of mentoring younger women!!

Thank you for stepping up to address what we all feel here is a under-discussed subject matter!! Prayerfully, a seed has been planted in all of us that will now grow to produce fruit that we can plant into others!!!

Randy

January 29, 2011

@Richelle Lambert, Richelle, Thanks for baring your heart in such an articulate way. As I read these myriad comments, your seems to sum them all up most accurately.

This conversation has raised all sorts of emotion in me as I know it has in so many.

What is the next step?

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Lisa Gilfillan

January 29, 2011

Randy, this is quite an interesting topic. I find that, in circles where women are not allowed to do pulpit ministry, very few women are raised up as teachers. This, in turn, limits their exposure to younger women desiring mentors.

Where women are accepted, there still is, to a certain extent, a novelty in being a female preacher. (I say this as someone who has been ordained since 1983.) This situation can cause some women to become very territorial, as only a limited amount of females are competing for the novelty female preaching assignments.

I love to mentor women–in fact, my ministry revolves around this practice. Ephesians 4 says that we are to equip the saints for the work of the ministry–and I try to do my part with the female believers.

Thanks for starting this discussion. May the Lord bless you and your family richly.

Lisa :)

Randy

January 29, 2011

@Lisa Gilfillan, Lisa, what a fascinating perspective, and one that I’ve never considered. Fascinating!

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Sundi Jo

January 28, 2011

I remember specifically praying for God to put a mentor in my life. I needed someone to walk beside me, as I was depressed and loosing the feeling of having a purpose.

A few months later @jenniferowhite met me in church, and we’ve been inseparable since.

She has mentored me for almost three years, and during the course of those three years I have walked closer with Christ because of her. She encourages me, equips me, nurtures me, speaks truth to me, holds me accountable, and more.

I want to be more like her, because she strives to be more like Christ. I hope to encourage others on my journey through life, just as she has done for me.

Randy

January 28, 2011

@Sundi Jo, I’m so thankful for your story and for women such as @jenniferowhite

May we have many more because of this open and honest conversation!

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Judy

January 29, 2011

@Sundi Jo, Our female mentors are where they’ve always been: in our families, in our churches, and in our charitable institutions. Look at the women around you at your next family meal. Glance at the ladies in the pews on Sunday morning. Look around you at the volunteers at your local soup kitchen or “good cause” meeting. I think you’ll see a plethora of Godly, mature, creative women to walk with you on the journey. We’re surrounded by a tapestry of life wisdom and insights woven each day by the women in our lives. Mentors called mothers and sisters and friends. No payment to life coaches needed. If you think you need one….work at a soup kitchen.

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1. Sundi Jo
  
  January 29, 2011
  
  @Judy, I would agree with you for the most part. However, my family didn’t provide very good mentors. Some of the things that happened in my family was the reason I so desperately wanted a mentor.
  
  When I met my mentor at church, she kept reaching out to me. Every time I would try to push her away, she would fight harder to help me understand her love for me.
  
  I love that, “Work at a soup kitchen.” I think you’re onto something there.
  
  Reply
  1. Randy
    
    January 29, 2011
    
    @Sundi Jo, I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with Judy. To do so would be to ignore the myriad comments already made.
    
    You would be very, very lucky to find a mentor at a soup kitchen. Most of the people there are sold out and dedicated to that ministry-the ministry of the homeless. I’ve been there. They are not where we need to seek mentors. Role models yes. Mentors no.
    
    I wish the answer was as easy as Judy makes it, but I just don’t believe it is.
    
    Reply
    1. Sundi Jo
      
      January 29, 2011
      
      @Randy, Hmm.. That makes sense. They are devoted to that ministry, because most likely, that’s where God has called them. I didn’t think of it that way. Thank you for the insight.
      
      If my friend and mentor, who God so richly blessed me with, was devoted to the soup kitchen, she probably wouldn’t have found the time to reach out to me.
      
      God puts us all where we need to be. My mentor was designed by God to encourage and reach out to others by loving with kind words, deep communication, quality time, and more.
      
      I guess we all “serve soup” in our own way. Thank you for the insight.
      
      Reply
      1. Randy
        
        January 29, 2011
        
        @Sundi Jo, Yes, indeed. there are many ways to serve “soup” in the kingdom.
        
        Reply

Lindsey

January 28, 2011

This is a very complex question and I know that any response I give will be an oversimplifications. I believe there are a number of reasons why female mentorship is difficult to come by.

1. I do believe that women themselves tend to denigrate and devalue the wisdom they possess. Christendom does place men in positions of authority and their contributions are heralded in the Bible and in ministry positions. Because of this, I strongly believe that women are less apt to believe that they have wisdom to share….or potentially less ego than men in exercising their voices, platforms and authority to speak into another woman’s life. I also don’t think there is enough encouragement to share what they have learned as wives, mothers, and women of God.

2. Lack of cross generational churches- In my adult life (I am 30), I have tended to go to churches that are full of young people, which is a bit of a “blind leading the blind” type of situation. I long for the wisdom of an older woman but there really aren’t a ton of them at the churches I have attended, and I am not sure how you access them if there are.

3. Life Station- often times women assume a great deal of responsibility for child rearing and keeping up the home. There just doesn’t seem to be time to pour into the life of someone who may be in a completely different life station and phase of life when you are pouring everything you have into your children and husbands and other responsibilities. Females are notorious for feeling guilty. Time spent investing in another, however wonderful, takes time away from one’s familh

4. As a 30 year old Christian female attorney, there are not a bumper crop of women who I run into who have navigated the path I am walking on. Having lived in D.C., I think that is true for a lot of women who I knew.

I could likely name many more reasons. I truly believe if we started celebrating the contributions of women more, and particularly letting older women know how vital they are to our growth as young women trying to live as women of God, there would be some amelioration in this issue.

Randy

January 28, 2011

@Lindsey, Lindsey,

Powerful reasons. And thought provoking, and I hope Conversation starters.

Your last paragraph rings so true…

“I truly believe if we started celebrating the contributions of women more, and particularly letting older women know how vital they are to our growth as young women trying to live as women of God, there would be some amelioration in this issue.

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Kenny

January 28, 2011

FamilyLife has developed an online mentoring program called eMentoring that allows people to sign up to become mentors or for people to get help from a mentor. Potential mentors go through a little training process online and the mentoring happens entirely anonymously online. You can find out more at http://www.familylife.com/ementoring.

Randy

January 28, 2011

@Kenny, Kenny,

Thanks. While i love the idea of an online resource for mentoring training,I honestly don’t know what to think about an e-mentoring anonymous program.

Hmmm….

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nina coyle

January 28, 2011

I, too, came across this post yesterday and have taken some time to mull over what’s been said. As a college student, the “mentor-hunt” is something that comes up frequently over coffee with friends–and clearly, there is so much to be said.

I count myself blessed to have been surrounded by a network of wise women throughout high school. That said, my “mentorship” rarely took the form of pre-determined/ regular meetings. What worked for me in that time was a willingness to be flexible. Some days it meant coming to school early or staying late to catch a teacher in a free moment. Other days it meant hanging out with a busy mom in the late afternoon and offering an extra set of hands when it came to dinner prep or wrangling in the kids. I’ve had as many pivotal conversations sitting in a coffee shop as I have while drying dishes in someone else’s kitchen after bedtime. Women pass wisdom both in action and in word.

Moving out of state for college and away from that network has posed an interesting challenge, though, and I feel like there is a such need to de-mystify mentorship. What I most desire in a mentor is someone who is just willing to be. My generation has no lack of access to information–podcasts, blogs, online publications, etc. are everywhere. (And I for one spend enough time sorting through all of it.) What I hope for is relationship, and I am hopeful!

Randy Elrod

January 28, 2011

@nina coyle, Thanks so much, Nina.

What you have to say is powerful:

“I’ve had as many pivotal conversations sitting in a coffee shop as I have while drying dishes in someone else’s kitchen after bedtime. Women pass wisdom both in action and in word.”

“What I most desire in a mentor is someone who is just willing to be. My generation has no lack of access to information–podcasts, blogs, online publications, etc. are everywhere. (And I for one spend enough time sorting through all of it.) What I hope for is relationship, and I am hopeful!”

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Monica Neubauer

January 28, 2011

This is not the reply I would like to give at this moment. I need to leave, but I am so drawn into what you have written and what these folks have contributed.

Let me start by saying there is a growing group in Franklin that is focusing on mentoring women. I would be glad to introduce you to them.

I will think about this and get back with you. My email is above too for followup about this other group. I am interested to talk some more about this.

Thanks for bringing it up.
Monica

Randy Elrod

January 28, 2011

@Monica Neubauer, I’m VERY interested. Thanks, Monica.

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True.

True mentoring isn’t about fixing a weakness – it’s about walking with. I think if people view mentoring as asking for help they may be missing the point. They are different things though not entirely mutually exclusive.

Randy Elrod

January 28, 2011

@@pennyhunter, Yes, indeed!

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Gail Hyatt

January 28, 2011

You have definitely hit a nerve with this one. Wow. I am really pondering.

Randy Elrod

January 28, 2011

@Gail Hyatt, Thanks, Gail. I like your ponderings. Can’t wait to hear where they lead.

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Michelle Sarabia

January 28, 2011

I read this post yesterday and really have been pondering over it the last 24 hours. Can I just say…you are right. I love to mentor other women (for free!). I am grateful that God allows me and puts me in places that I can help those that need encouragement and seeking guidance. I find the bigger your ministry wings expand, the lonelier it becomes. It seems as though the “momma bears” come out and territorial lines are drawn. I see these lines based on denominations, appearance and platform status. It saddens me that as women we cannot see past these and hear the message given.

Randy Elrod

January 28, 2011

@Michelle Sarabia, Michelle,

Powerful statement: “I find the bigger your ministry wings expand, the lonelier it becomes.”

thanks so much for pondering.

Reply

Jen Barton

January 28, 2011

Randy…such a great post and great discussion! Being a fellow Nashvillian, I am with you on there being a lack of female mentors here. Maybe there are some out there, but it’s hard to find. When I moved to town in my early 20’s, I met with a woman and we even discussed her being a mentor to me…never discussed it again. I, like your daughter, felt rejection and still find it hard to find women older than me willing to be authentic and genuinely care enough to invest in my life on a regular basis. I don’t know if it’s as much a competition thing between women or women just being so wrapped up in our their world and own family that there isn’t time for anything else. I find it hard myself having 3 small children and a husband on the road constantly finding time to invest in a young womans life…part of that being that I am never around that age group. But, I would welcome the opportunity to be a “mentor” and avoid someone feeling the rejection that I felt and still feel today by the lack of mentors willing to dig in and being authentic with other
women that need it! I’m so thankful for a group of friends that I can do that with, but having that older influence and being that older influence in someone elses life is a void I have right now!

Randy Elrod

January 28, 2011

@Jen Barton, Thanks, Jen for you candor and your willingness to correct this dearth of female mentors.

I miss you guys!

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Tommy Harden

January 28, 2011

My wife Lorrie Harden (@lorrieharden http://www.lorrieharden.com) is a non professional mentor. Usually anyone she meets turns her into a mentor in about 5 seconds. She also spends a lot of time with teens. She’s amazing.

Randy Elrod

January 28, 2011

@Tommy Harden, Thanks, Tommy. I can see that. May her tribe increase!!!

And how many children do you guys have?

And she still finds time.

Amazing!

Reply
1. Tommy Harden
  
  January 28, 2011
  
  @Randy Elrod, Please…I don’t think our tribe should increase! We have 6 kids, with a kid index of 11, it’s like a heat index. haha, t
  
  Reply
  1. Tommy Harden
    
    January 28, 2011
    
    @Tommy Harden, p.s. please check out my new blog from this morning. “Anya’s Gift” http://tommyharden.com/anyas-gift/
    
    thanks t
    
    Reply
  2. Randy Elrod
    
    January 28, 2011
    
    @Tommy Harden, Ha!!!! Okay, so may her “mentoring” tribe increase!!
    
    Reply

Kyle Reed

January 28, 2011

As someone who has two young sisters who I think can possibly change the world with their passion, love and life I wonder the same thing.
I am very appreciative of having a mother who is in fact a mentor to a lot of women and a great mom to my sisters (and myself) but know that my sisters continually need guidance from other Godly women who are interested in investing in them.
Maybe its because I am their big brother but I am always looking for people to invest in my sisters and have had a hard time finding them.

I will say that Alece (aka @gritandglory) has done wonders for my younger sister Kamrie. Though they have never met, Alece has mentored Kamrie from afar and I am grateful for that.

Randy

January 28, 2011

@Kyle Reed, Thanks, Kyle. I love your love for your sisters.

And may Alece’s tribe increase!! She is a special girl.

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Danaye Taylor

January 28, 2011

Randy,

What a great post. You list a lot of very good reasons why we women hesitate to be mentors. I have fought God on it for the last three or four years because I didn’t feel I was worthy or had a strong enough foundation with God to be a mentor. I have, however, realized how wrong I have been so I have started getting my Ministry established, getting the legal paperwork in order so it can be a non-profit and offer free mentoring among other things for girls and women, with the main focus on girls coming out of high school. I am also trying to finish my book on rejection based on my life and that of countless others I have spoke with.

I am planning on posting details on my blog within the next few weeks about the ministry.

Have a great weekend!

Randy

January 28, 2011

@Danaye Taylor, Awesome, Danaye. i have been mentoring young men every week for the past eleven years, and i STILL feel inadequate. I don’t think that ever goes away.

We just have to offer ourselves.

Thanks!

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@pennyhunter

January 28, 2011

I think part of the difficulty in women finding mentors is that in the faith world we’ve relegated that to mom’s groups at church, or young married studies, or a Beth Moore or Kay Arthur class.

I love what Hillsong is doing with their Sisterhood movement — it embraces women who are at many stages of life — and who have chosen different paths. Some are in the home full time. Some have corporate careers and are influential executives. Some work in human rights. Some are ministers. Some are students. Rather than a Bible study or mentoring group exclusively about being a “keeper at home” they help women navigate the many aspects of womanhood and the many passions individual women have. Most importantly, it gives women access to one another.

Mentoring used to happen organically as women sat around the quilt together, Or canned produce. Life isn’t as simple and access to women who share your values and faith is harder to come by.

Randy

January 28, 2011

@@pennyhunter, Penny, More powerful words…

“I think part of the difficulty in women finding mentors is that in the faith world we’ve relegated that to mom’s groups at church, or young married studies, or a Beth Moore or Kay Arthur class.”

“Mentoring used to happen organically as women sat around the quilt together, Or canned produce. Life isn’t as simple and access to women who share your values and faith is harder to come by.”

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Lana Vaughan

January 28, 2011

I tweeted the link with a ps of my own yesterday. The following is the conversation thread it generated.

In Search of Heroes — Where Are The Female Mentors? http://bit.ly/gUqDH0 (I’m accepting 4 new mentees this spring)
23 hours ago via Twitter · · Like · Comment · @Lana_Vaughan on Twitter

SW – The article was good. But I think it missed out on a lot of reasons why they are difficult to find. One I think that is vital is that so many women think that to ask for help (i.e. look for a mentor) admits a failure on their part. That they can’t do it by themselves and they need another person to “teach” them. Second, depending on who they get for a mentor, the mentor may make the mentee even feel worse than they did before. (kind of like when people push the Proverbs 31 woman as realistic and doable and then fault them when they can’t meet up to that expectation)

We had a program at one church we went to that had women fill out a survey and then the lead women prayed over each mentor and mentee and tried to come up with a good match based on what they felt/saw. Some pairs worked really well while others failed. I had two young children at the time and was matched with a woman who never had children. She could not relate to me at all on that point, She gave great advice in other areas, though, so for me it was good. But I had friends that felt much worse about themselves, because they compared themselves to the mentor and felt that they came up short.

It is risky to open oneself up to others, and sometimes the benefits are not worth it. Sometimes they are. But I think that the unknown holds back both the mentor and the mentee,

Even your wording, Lana, might make someone feel bad. “I’m accepting 4 new mentees this Spring”. So if they do not get picked, then they might feel unacceptable to you. and that can lead to them feeling like everyone, including God, does not find them acceptable. just my thoughts.
22 hours ago · Like

Lana Vaughan – I guess I’m coming at it from a different perspective. There is an old adage that says “When the student is ready the teacher will appear”.

I don’t have a problem with the Proverbs 31 woman. I personally know 5.

As for acceptance. It’s not about picking. It’s about being open and letting women know that I am. I have committed to make time in my life to invest in their hearts and their lives.
22 hours ago · Like · 2 people

SW – Then Lana, what if 5 or 6 or 8 ladies want you to mentor them at the same time, but you have room for 4? what will you tell the others? I am just trying to show you that it is not always as easy as it looks. I have known several women deeply hurt by rejection from a “godly mentor” as well as many that had Proverbs 31 shoved down their throats so hard that they feel they can never recover. We need more mentors that truly have the gift and desire for mentoring, like you, instead of women that feel they must do it because “someone has to”.
I was looking for a mentor a couple of years ago. Prayed very hard over it. Thought of each woman I knew that I felt was a good possibility. Finally felt like one person was the best option. I approached her, kind of like the girl in the article. She said she would pray about it. 4 months later I timidly asked her again. She had forgotten all about it. She then agreed, reluctantly. After two or three meetings, she never met with me again. No reason why, nothing.

I truly hope a great godly woman would appear each time someone wanted one. I wish you could be cloned so that more women could be taught by you. But the reality is that is not happening.

21 hours ago · Like

Lana Vaughan – If God entrusts me with more I will trust Him for the grace and wisdom to mentor each one.

I understand about not always finding a good fit. One of my early mentors “fired” me. I promptly found a new mentor and we were together for years.
20 hours ago · Like

Randy

January 28, 2011

@Lana Vaughan, Thanks so much for providing this stream.

Very revealing to me.

One of the most revealing paragraphs in this entire conversation seems to be here:

“One I think that is vital is that so many women think that to ask for help (i.e. look for a mentor) admits a failure on their part. That they can’t do it by themselves and they need another person to “teach” them. Second, depending on who they get for a mentor, the mentor may make the mentee even feel worse than they did before. (kind of like when people push the Proverbs 31 woman as realistic and doable and then fault them when they can’t meet up to that expectation)”

How do you guys respond to this?

Reply
1. Lana Vaughan
  
  January 28, 2011
  
  @Randy,
  
  I agree with her on that point. Unless someone comes to the place where they realize they need someone to help them get perspective or teach them a different way of living, it’s pretty useless trying to mentor them.
  
  I also agree that, while there is great power for good in mentoring, it can also have the potential for great harm.
  
  Reply
  1. Randy Elrod
    
    January 28, 2011
    
    @Lana Vaughan, Yes, it can. A cognitive empathetic as a mentor is a dangerous thing. Mentors must be Compassionate Empaths. See Daniel Goleman’s “Social Intelligence.”
    
    Reply

Ann Vertel

January 28, 2011

Hi Randy,
I’m with @GinaParris on this. I would argue that there is not a void of volunteer female mentors – perhaps it is simply a matter of refocusing your lens to a different “type” of woman. Everyone of my friends, myself included, would be honored to be asked to be a mentor and would jump at the chance. My circle of strong, abundant women is large – Gina being one of them. While most of us are professionals, that does not mean we don’t have a heart for working with girls outside of our work. In fact, I don’t know one of these women who doesn’t give their time to a charity, cause, or person simply because that’s just the type of woman she is. What they all have in common is an abundance mentality – a gift for lifting others up and the desire to see others soar, most especially girls and young women. They are also self-starters, family-oriented, faith-based, and model personal responsibility and leadership. Most are conservatives. All of them are superb role models. I even suspect that, outside of Big Sisters, they have often wondered how to find a mentee. Perhaps we’re on to something here…

Randy

January 28, 2011

@Ann Vertel, Yes, I understand your point, but as I read all these posts, where is the disconnect?

If there truly are more women like you and Gina,

why are all these women having such a tough time finding someone?

Help??!!!

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Betsy Cañas Garmon

January 28, 2011

@pennyhunter Now the world knows why The Garmons were so sad to lose you as neighbors here in Lilburn, GA. Thank you so much for these insightful comments. I’m looking forward to anything you publish on this topic. You’ve navigated these waters beautifully. {And, by the way, thank you from the depths of my mother’s heart for the investment that you’ve made in my sons by living life well and letting them walk in your world.}

Randy

January 28, 2011

@Betsy Cañas Garmon, Wow, Betsy. That is just powerful!

{And, by the way, thank you from the depths of my mother’s heart for the investment that you’ve made in my sons by living life well and letting them walk in your world.}

wow!

Reply
@pennyhunter

January 31, 2011

@Betsy Cañas Garmon,
Your boys give more than they receive. Love them.

We miss you all.

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chels

January 28, 2011

i’m really passionate about mentorship–being a mentor and a mentee! :) i have campus crusade for christ to thank in large part for teaching me the model–to be poured into and to also pour out.

Randy

January 28, 2011

@chels, That is great, chels! Do they have a written program? A cirriculum book, etc. about initiating and developing the mentoring process?

Reply
1. chels
  
  January 28, 2011
  
  @Randy, they don’t have a written program per se.
  
  let me first say that this is all drawn from my personal experience at the university of toledo, in ohio. campus crusade for christ (ccc) can look different on every campus. anyways, ccc is very intentional about evangelism, but they don’t want to leave people there, as converts. they want to make people in to disciples of christ. that being said, again, it can look wildly different depending on the two people involved in the relationship. it can be very formal, or more of a “hang out” thing. they do have lots of great resources to help.
  
  http://www.campuscrusade.com/followup_and_discipleship.htm
  http://crupress.campuscrusadeforchrist.com/discipleship
  http://www.godsquad.com/discipleship/index.htm
  
  some of them might look a little corny or something from the outward appearance, but you know the old saying–don’t judge a book by it’s cover. i have especially used the materials called “follow-up” with a variety of girls, some who have just accepted christ, and some who have been christians for a long time.
  
  i’m only 24, but mentorship is something very dear to my heart. there are four girls that i am in a sort of mentoring relationship with. one is much more intentional than the other three, but i view all of those ladies as my younger sisters in christ and i value our time together, whatever it may look like. sometimes mentorship is doing a bible study together. sometimes it might be just hanging out, sharing life, taking a younger woman alongside to see how you live your life, how you walk your faith out in the stage of life that you are currently in. that can be as powerful or more powerful than anything you ever say! i don’t think it can be too formulaic because in my experience relationships don’t do well when you try to push them into a grid. you have to tailor it to the needs of the specific woman.
  
  for women who are seeking out to be mentored and to mentor, pray about it! ask the Lord to bring women into mind who you can seek out in a more intentional way. he definitely wants to use us in this way, so i think he will answer this prayer with a resounding YES. also know that it takes you stepping out. like with the four girls i’m mentoring now, more often than not, i have to be the one that initiates, and i’m okay with that, because i want to be available for God to use me in their lives.
  
  wow, i’ll get off my soapbox now. but i just think mentoring is so powerful and important. i’m so thankful for the mentors God has put into my life, and i LOVE being able to pour into younger women, too.
  
  Reply

Deb Barnett

January 28, 2011

I hesitate to comment because I don’t want to sound self-righteous. But I have found myself in a rather organic place of mentoring… as in no one has “officially” asked me for this role… but it has happened nonetheless. I host what is lovingly referred to as “porch therapy”. There are about 1/2 a dozen girls, at least 10 years my junior, that regularly request “porch time” with me. That basically consists of a fire in the chiminea, a good glass of wine (or two) and deep discussions and mulling over this thing called life. I love this part of my world. I even had a young guy call me recently and ask, “what’s this I hear about porch time and how do I get some?” We had a great hour on the porch and I was instantly struck by the deep need for men AND women to walk these tricky paths of life with the younger generation.

But, and that’s a big BUT…. I lack that person in MY life. I’ve searched high and low. For years. And though I know some pretty amazing women, most of their influence is from afar. I lack that mentor who is IN my life, who sees me regularly enough to KNOW me. That’s really the only way she can call me on my stuff and advise me appropriately. Like these young women I meet with… I can bring up situations from their lives because I am IN there lives. I have actual examples and observations… not generic scenarios.

That said… mentoring is beautiful art within relationships. One that should not just be sought, but given.

Randy

January 28, 2011

@Deb Barnett, Oh, Deb. I feel exactly the same way as you.

Agh!

Thanks for providing “porch-time.”

Maybe we will need to find ours in peers that are just a few years older, because I have repeatedly tried the older generation to me , but have had no success.

Reply

In Search of Heroes — Where Are The Female Mentors?

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