We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves, to affirm our deepest cravings. The yes within has been educated out, churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out of our being. The heartbreaking truth of life is that we get farther away every year from the yes that was born within us. We get shouldered with no’s, some good, most not so good.
In my experience, we can’t cover healthy answers in single words. I no longer believe in “no” and “yes.” The best proof that language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies answers. It’s sad how institutions led by men are still so heavily rooted in “NO” rather than “EVERYTHING IS PERMISSIBLE.”
Negative things happen to us. Loved ones say no. People lose their way for one reason or another. It’s not hard to do in this world of no’s. Life itself does its best to take the memory of a positive self away from us. You don’t know it’s happening until one day, you feel you’ve lost something, but you’re not sure what it is. It’s like the frog in the kettle. It just happens.
But what if we could rediscover that yes with all its beautiful nuances? What if we could banish the no? With therapy, psychedelics, meditation, mindfulness, or whatever it takes to change our negative scripts to positive ones, it can happen. I gradually rediscovered the ability to affirm myself, transforming my life. In place of denial, I began to feel something that had been eluding me: intense, exhilarating desire. Was it easy? NO. See what I mean? It is so difficult not to say no. Was it easy? Hardly. Was it worth it? A million times YES.
Physical—I was raised to fear the yes of my sensuality. It was not until the second half of life, when psychological assessments revealed that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), that I began to understand, acknowledge, and address the causes of my extreme physical reactions to everyday occurrences such as sirens, noise, and raised voices. I was taught that American males are NOT supposed to show “feminine sensitivity” and that it was a weakness.
Instead of berating myself and accepting negative reinforcement from others for overreaction, I began to say yes to my highly sensitive self by celebrating my exponential senses of touch, sight, hearing, smell, and taste. The culinary arts, mixology, therapeutic massage, tantric sex, and visual arts came alive. They began to redeem a lifetime of “no’s” regarding my sensitivity. I realized I had superpowers that had lain dormant for five decades. Delicious and comforting super sensations have led to a second life filled with sheer pleasure.
Mental—I was raised to fear the yes of my curiosity. Children are NOT to ask questions and should not speak until they are spoken to. As I embarked on a career in the ministry, I was told doubt (self-questioning religious dogma and religious leaders) is a sin. Later, as I began to acknowledge the power of my questions, my authorities said they had all the answers and that my questions were needless and heretical.
They told me I could NOT read certain books or think certain things. I should NOT ask questions about truth, faith, the afterlife, and rules. I was told my questions would get me into trouble with my authorities and with my God.
In the end, it was the response (or lack thereof) of my Pastor to my questions about truth (Isn’t all truth God’s truth?), heaven (Have you ever thought heaven might not be real?), and the infallibility and inerrancy of the Bible (Do you really believe that Lot—whom the Bible called a godly man—gave the angry horde outside his home his two virgin daughters to gang rape and abuse sexually?) that sealed my decision to walk away from my career as a minister and ultimately walk away from religion.
Emotional—I was raised to fear the yes of my emotions. My physical sensitivity led to strong emotions. Hurt feelings, tears, abject fear, disgust about Evangelical teachings, and “extreme” passion were just a few of the sentiments to which religion and culture said NO. As a sexually vibrant adolescent, I was told masturbation and lust were sins that would doom me to a burning and eternal hell. Yet, I could not deny the strong sexual attraction I had to others and the beautiful pleasure of having sex with my self.
While researching my book The Quest, I discovered Silvan Tomkin’s affect theory, and it was like a million lights switched on. It provided an enlightening framework describing how emotions and moods influence our lives. In overly simplistic terms, nine biological affects (emotions we are born with) lead to feelings determined by scripts (written by our biographical upbringing). It categorizes our emotions as positive (joy, excitement) and negative (fear, shame, disgust, guilt).
I began to understand that positive affectivity (the YES’s of life) has many benefits for our everyday lives and that negative affectivity (the NO’s that culture and religion programmed into us) is detrimental to a healthy life. I now assess and expand every significant life activity and its ability to trigger positive affect (emotion) and do my best to limit negative affect.
Spiritual—I was raised to fear the yes of my spirit. Culture and religion taught me that anything different than a white heterosexual Christian person is less than ideal; in fact, they demanded that I NOT associate with “those” inferior people. They filled my youthful being with the answer NO to everything different (Thou Shalt NOT!). But my natural spirit was a questioning one, a YES one.
People have called me a free spirit all my life. In the first half of my life, my leaders and peers considered this a negative trait and tried to constrain my spirit. But in the second half of life, as I escaped the confinement of religion and, later, the division, racism, moralism, ageism, and misogyny of America, my free spirit emerged once again. I celebrate the virtues of compassion, openness, and acceptance.
My closest friends in Second Life are atheists, gay, lesbian, and polyamorous. Many of them come from countries that American propaganda taught me were my enemies: Iran, China, Lebanon, and Turkey. Most have different skin pigmentation than me.
But the YES within me knows them to be loving, kind, and superior to the people in my first life. Now I know that the ones that taught me the No’s of life are, in fact, the inferior ones. They have suffocated the yes within themselves. They are the living dead.
These bigots refuse to understand that our differences must not only be tolerated but seen as a treasure with the potential to enhance our lives. Reciprocal relationships with those different from us, acknowledged and equal, can unleash the power of the yes within ourselves and others. In the words of Audre Lorde, “Difference is that raw and powerful connection from which our personal power is forged.
A Concluding Note. As I discuss these enlightened ideas with my partner and companion in life, Gina, it is evident that as a white heterosexual Christian male raised in America, I was given license and authority by a patriarchal society to make my decisions confidently. This male privilege does not mean that refuting the NO indoctrination and affirming the YES within myself was easy. It was extremely challenging.
But I cannot overstate the difficulty that Gina faced as a woman—raised by patriarchal and fundamentalist parents and bound to a life of servitude to a highly dysfunctional and abusive husband. There was no framework of mutuality between women, no systems of shared support, and no freedom. The rare woman who attempts to emancipate themselves from this slavish existence pays a high price for the results.
For women, the YES that desires to nurture themselves and each other is not sinful but redemptive, and it is within this affirmation that she rediscovers her real power. It is this spiritual freedom that is so feared by a patriarchal world—a world where maternity is the only social power open to women.
I hope that all people—of all genders and nationalities—acknowledge, affirm, and activate the yes within themselves and embrace the interdependency of others who have said yes. It is a healthy way to freedom, an affirming way of life, and enhances the joy of being who we truly are.
