I just read a list of things to do if you are on the Ashley Madison list by a popular Christian leader and blogger. In my experience, his advice which I’m sure is well-meaning, feels trite at best and harmful at worst. After hearing today about a pastor from the same denomination committing suicide after being exposed, I feel compelled to offer my viewpoint. Here are my thoughts:1) Honestly determine if this is a one-time occurrence or something deeper and ongoing. If your situation, church and family, are worth fighting for, they will extend forgiveness and grace—not judgement and shame.
2) Hire a good lawyer immediately. Trust me, no matter what happens, you will need one.
3) Find a highly trained and confidential therapist immediately. Especially if this is indicative of a recurring life pattern or deeper issue. When something this traumatic happens, you need a wise guide to help find your way. Only then are you able to find your path to God.
4) Assess the timeline of your life. Remember, a few weeks or months should not cancel out a lifetime of ministry and sacrifice to others. In fact, that giving out of yourself could be the very reason you are trying to escape by other means.
5) Recognize the crucial difference between guilt and shame. A healthy guilt, repentance, counseling and absolution are the best and most healthy steps for most religious leaders. Shame is never appropriate to one’s self or by others.
6) Rest assured the people screaming the loudest for your head (if you’ve been found out) are on another list just as bad—they just haven’t been caught…yet. Everyone has unconfessed sin. Everyone. “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.”
7) Confess only to a friend you would trust with your life. Unfortunately, this may not be your spouse, your peers, or your church. It must be someone who will greet your confession with grace and complete confidence and without judgement and shame.
8) Find A Safe Place To Go And Sort Out Your Thoughts. That is why we have established Kalien as a safe place of encouragement and solitude for the wounded and weary. What happens at Kalien stays at Kalien. There is no judgement or shame here, only grace and unconditional love. Kalien will be open very soon, but in the meantime, find a safe place and go there now.
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