One of my favorite memories is Dad building a crude sandbox for us children. It was constructed of ancient lumber and filled with soft, fine sand. We would play make-believe for hours and build golden sandcastles that would glisten in the sun, pretending to be brave knights like Sir Lancelot, wielding giant lances, saving fair maidens from ravishments and dishonor, and hoping she would tie a token of her favor around the end of our lance.
As an adult Floridian beach dweller for over twenty years, I’ve often said I have sand in my shoes. Destin and Clearwater had powdery sand so soft that it felt like I was walking on clouds. It would squeak as you walked. One of the criteria for our Spanish home was a beach nearby.
I love sandboxes. To this day, I have a sandbox in my imagination. My playmate and I perform role-play make-believe scenarios and build beautiful sandcastles filled with naughty and nice characters to explore and escape the chaos of the real world.
Noted sex therapist Esther Perel says that sex isn’t something you do; it is a place where you go.
The sandbox is what I call the place where I go. Perel asks some great questions,
- “What do you want to experience there?”
- “Is this an experience, for you, of transcendence?”
- “Of spiritual union?”
- “Of deep connection?”
- Or, is it an experience where you can be mischievous and, for once, not a good citizen?”
She says orgasm is optional, but pleasure (fun) is mandatory.”
For me, all those questions describe a beautiful sexual experience. No matter if the sex is with myself or others. There are times of transcendence, spiritual union, integration, and deep connection. Yet, there are times when I feel mischievous and, yes, naughty. Times when I go to the sandbox to be wild and have fun. To wield my giant lance and to be Sir Lancelot once again and to enjoy sexual pleasure with the exuberance and abandonment of a child. Where anything goes (and I mean anything). Of course, if a partner is involved, they must be comfortable and willing to play.
I’ve always had a vivid imagination. My adult sandbox is a place to escape the chaos and demands of the “real” world, pretend for a few moments that another magical world exists, and create fantasy worlds that will probably never appear in real life.
We all have fantasies that arouse us, and they are as varied as we are.
People enjoy several popular fantasies (but most won’t admit it.) According to Oprah.com, they include:
- Having a Threesome
- Women Having Sex with Other Women
- Enjoying a Romp in Public
- Having Sex with a Friend(s)
- Having Sex with Total Strangers
- Doing It with Someone You Know Who is Not Your Spouse
- Making Love in a Romantic Location
- Being Dominated
Several of these fantasies take shape in my sandbox, and a few have come true in real life.
Fantasies are complex experiences. They are probably tied in some way to our childhood experiences, both conscious and unconscious. We can learn much about ourselves by asking why we have a particular longing. I believe these desires are intricately tied to our universal journey, our Quest. When fantasies come true, sometimes they are amazing, but other times they are anti-climatic.
For decades, one of my favorite fantasies was being on a nude beach. This reality did not happen in the first half of my life due to living in America, my career, and my marriage partner, so it was a taboo fantasy for decades. To put my naïveté in perspective, my ultimate secret “porn” escape was the movie Blame It On Rio.
Imagine my surprise when, a few years ago, in a new chapter of life, I was able to go to a nude beach.
I was terrified I would have a massive erection as I lusted after every square inch of naked, sweaty flesh.
But when my fantasy came true, it was not as I envisioned. Yes, there were beautiful and very sexy people. Thankfully, I had read on nude beach etiquette sites that if one has an erection, one turns face down on one’s towel until it subsides.
But after twelve years of enjoying nude beaches, I can honestly say that I’ve never had an erection while at a nude beach. I’m not sure why. I wake up virtually every morning with “morning wood” and can quickly conjure an erection. At the beach, I have seen a rare few guys with rock-hard erections who proudly flaunt them. If they read the etiquette guide, they have chosen to ignore it. However, no one pays much attention to them—although I’m sure some males play the comparison game.
Ironically, the nude beach is no longer in my sandbox, even though the people at our favorite Barcelona beach are infinitely more beautiful than the other beaches we’ve been to. Last week, one of the most statuesque women I’ve ever seen laid her towel beside us. As Gina watched me appreciate her stunning body, she nodded in understanding. I said, “Wow, I could paint her!” And I meant it; I would love to have captured her in watercolors. But for some reason, I wasn’t “lusting” and thinking how fun it would be to have sex with her.
I can lust with the best of them. But I’ve never found myself “lusting after the flesh” (a lie that was pounded into me during childhood church) at our nude beaches as I would when I fantasized about it during my first half of life. I’m still asking myself why. Perhaps when a taboo becomes permissible and normative, it loses its ability to perform effectively as a fantasy. I’m not sure.
While researching The Quest, I read that once a fantasy becomes reality, it never meets expectations. Yet another lie. How many lies have we been told about all things sexual and pleasurable?
For example, another secret fantasy in the first half of life was to have a tantric massage. That finally happened here in Barcelona, and I now enjoy one regularly. The reality is far better than anything I could have imagined. Tantra has made Ms. Perel’s statement come alive: “Orgasm is optional, but pleasure is mandatory.”
This discovery begs the question: What other fantasy would be better in reality?
How about you? A few rhetorical questions, if you please.
- Do you have an adult sandbox or a place similar to where you go?
- What is your game(s) when you slip into your place?
- What is your “wildest” fantasy?
- Do you have a recurring fantasy?
- Have any of your fantasies come to life?
- If so, did they exceed your imagination? Or was it a disappointment?
- Why are we so afraid to talk openly about these beautiful subjects?
One of the greatest joys of my life these days is experiencing a supreme pleasure each morning when I awake. No, I’m not talking about my “morning wood,” although I am increasingly thankful that it still happens at my age without medication.
It is the supreme pleasure of being free to enjoy life.
Friedrich Nietzsche said, “In every adult, a child is hidden that wants to play.” I would add, “In this adult, a child who likes to play nice but loves to play naughty has finally been exposed.” Yes, I have sand in my shoes and, if truth be told, a few other places as well.
