Either publicly or privately we will all eventually crash and burn. It is an unfortunate and jarring fact of life. Even Superman had kryptonite.

But will we survive it?

I write this post hesitantly because I’m still in the throes of my own “crash and burn.” But each morning I somehow slowly and painfully get up to face another day.

Here are several keys to my survival. Maybe they will help you now or…someday.

1. Get a counselor. Treat the choice of a counselor as one of the most important business transactions of your life. Good, qualified, trained counselors that mesh with your temperament are hard to find. They are expensive (I pay $150 per 50 minute session) and their schedule will be filled. Have someone help you get in and treat the first few sessions as a beta test. If the two of you don’t work well together, find someone else. You are paying them. It is imperative to find a counselor who listens intently, takes notes, remembers details of each session, truly empathizes and addresses your most difficult questions.

2. Know the difference between a life coach and a counselor. A life coach is NOT a counselor. They are not licensed, trained or qualified to guide you through crash and burn situations. Find a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. The biggest detriment to my family, other than my own personal failures and crash, has been the horrific advice of an unlicensed life coach. The damage wrought by this well-intentioned but untrained and unqualified person may turn out to be insurmountable.

3. Understand the nuances of friendship. Unfortunately, the neurosis of most extremely close friendships create extreme disillusionment and dissociation during a crash and burn situation. These unexpected, sudden and broken relationships are devastating. Most friends give up and disappear once they realize they cannot save you from your mistakes. Unconditional friendship and love are almost impossible to find. My counselor asked me a few weeks ago if I was surprised that most of my friends were only as close as the last thing I did for them. Agh. Be thankful every day if you have 2 or 3 friends who remain no matter how bad the crash.

4. Try to understand people’s reactions. I have come to realize that religion does not train people how to deal with others of their tribe who crash and burn. So they do nothing. Some people have yet to crash and burn publicly, and have not tasted real suffering. So they don’t understand. Others refuse to deal with their own private addictions and weaknesses. They haven’t publicly confessed or haven’t been caught yet or do not get qualified help, and so they secretly continue their medicine of choice. They cannot forgive themselves for being human. So they cannot forgive others who are. These people are the worst.

5. Understand that life is not a melodrama. The drama unfolding in the theatre of life is not Gladiator. The characters are not Joaquin Phoenix, who can do nothing good, and Russell Crowe, who can do nothing wrong. In real life, none of us are that one-dimensional.There are always two sides to every story. Always. Understanding this simple fact is crucial to the next point.

6. Be kind to yourself. This simple statement seems contrary to my understanding of Christian thought. Religion has relentlessly taught me to “deny myself,” and to “crucify myself” and I have been ruthless in “cursing and berating myself” for my mistakes. I have never been taught to “forgive myself” or to be “kind to myself.” But if our creator God offers the gifts of forgiveness and kindness to us, who are we not to give them to ourselves?

Question: What are other keys to survival?

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