The Silence

I just read an article in The Atlantic about Gillian Anderson’s new book, More, a collection of women’s sexual fantasies. One line especially piqued my interest. Men, it said, tend to hold back their fantasies because telling them feels too vulnerable.

I believe it. I have lived it.

Men talk about sex constantly: locker rooms, bars, group texts. What we rarely say out loud is what actually works best for arousal. The jokes are safe and macho. Expressing our most effective fantasies seems dangerous. We can’t seem to describe which fantasy gets us off best.

Going First

I grew up in an ultra-conservative Pentecostal pastor’s home, and for thirty years I served as an arts director in evangelical megachurches. I learned early that sexual desire was a problem to manage, a sin to confess, a door to keep shut. The fantasies came anyway. Of course they did. I am a normal human being. But I carried them like sin against god: quietly, with shame, anxiety, and guilt.

So before I ask anything of you, I’ll go first.

I am an imaginative person, so I have myriad fantasies. But the one that does it for me almost every time is imagining a threesome with one of my best friends in bed with my wife and me. It brings me joy for my wife to experience sexual pleasure; I love watching her use her favorite toy to orgasm, and it does not intimidate me; on the contrary, it gives me throbbing pleasure. And it turns me on to imagine a close friend (male or female) share that joyful and beautiful experience with us. This fantasy is tried and true and has turned me on and gotten me off for over forty-six years during two different marriages.

Writing that is much scarier than I thought it would be, but somehow freeing.

The Invitation

I’m gathering men’s sexual fantasies for a compilation, here on Substack and possibly in a future book. Totally anonymous. Edited only for length and to protect your identity.

Women have had this kind of space for decades, from Nancy Friday’s My Secret Garden to Anderson’s work today. Friday gathered men’s letters too, in Men in Love, back in 1980. It’s been a long time since anyone asked men again. One of my guilty pleasures is reading the fantasies in My Secret Garden.

I’m asking. Especially if you grew up hearing that your deepest fantasies, desires, and longings were sins to confess and that would doom you to a burning hell forever. Those are the ones I most want to compile.

Where to Start

A blank page freezes most of us. Use these questions, or ignore them and write whatever wants out.

• What fantasy gets you off most reliably?
• Who’s in it, and what’s happening?
• What moment in it turns you on the most?
• When did this fantasy first show up for you?
• Have you ever acted on it, or told anyone about it?
• What do you picture in the last few seconds before you come?
• Which fantasy of yours surprises or embarrasses you?
• Optional: How did it feel to write this down?

How to Submit

Use this form: My Fantasy

It asks for no name, email, or login. I won’t know who you are, and I don’t want to. Before anything is published, I’ll remove any details that could possibly identify you: names, cities, jobs, distinctive events. If you’d like credit, add a first name or pseudonym. Otherwise, you stay invisible.

I’ll publish selections in batches, each opened with a short reflection from me. Submissions close October 31, 2026.

Ground Rules

• To be effective, this collection is for men, meaning anyone who identifies as one.
• You must be 18 or older. The form asks you to confirm it.
• Fantasies can go to dark places; that’s part of their power. Even so, I won’t publish anything involving minors, real identifiable people, or non-consent presented as a real event.
• By submitting, you give me permission to publish your fantasy, edit it for length and anonymity, and include it in a future post and/or book.

Why This Matters to Me

I refuse to accept shame; it is a personal discipline, every day. Writing a fantasy down and being totally honest is one small act of that practice for me, and i hope it will be for you as well.

The erotic is spiritual. Our desires carry invaluable information about who we are, where we came from, and what we long for. Silence keeps men lonely, strangers to themselves, in their marriages, and even with their closest friends.

So tell me. I’m listening, and I won’t flinch.

Thanks for reading Randy Elrod | Barcelona!
This post is public, so feel free to share it with your male friends.
Share