If you look up definitions of “virile,” you will find words like macho, ultramasculine, hairy-chested, vigorous, masterful, and forceful. And phrases like “having traditional masculine traits, especially to a marked degree.” Virility is “any of a wide range of masculine characteristics viewed positively.” Virile means “marked by strength or force.”
I firmly believe that these patriarchal definitions of masculinity confine men in a box and limit their lives. Many of the messages and pressures associated with the “Man Box” emphasize the superiority of masculinity over femininity and the authority of men over women. This box imposes narrow and restrictive gender roles on men that ignore and deny their physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. It socializes men into violence, hierarchy, and aggressive heterosexuality and uses them as ‘foot soldiers’ in maintaining the patriarchal system of domination.
This is why the “Joe Rogan,” “Mark Driscoll,” and “MAGA” cultures think that gentle men are “sissies” who can’t be real men. These “Men In A Box” think that gentle and kind men can’t be sexual, passionate lovers attractive to women and men. I suspect these gentle men’s inner confidence and sensitivity intimidate these “traditional” men.
Some men are not consumed with domination. In the words of poet James Kavanaugh, There are Men Too Gentle to Live Among the Wolves. What if a truly gentle man was so sexually potent and self-assured that he didn’t have to resort to patriarchal modes of repression and abuse? What if these kind and gentle men were more luscious and beautiful and sexy than we can even imagine? Virility doesn’t have to be forceful and macho. It can be romantic. It can be bacchanal. It can be sensual. It can be reproductive.
Patriarchal masculinity has acted like an overprescription of antibiotics, killing off healthier, more magical modes of masculinity so effectively that it has become difficult for them to flourish and flower. We gentle men have been intimidated, shamed, and bullied for our lack of “traditional masculine traits.” Therefore, many of us gentle souls have become strangers in the homes of our bodies. We have suppressed our virility and sensuality because it does not seem to measure up with culture’s idea of a real man.
I am advocating a return to a gentle (gentleness does not equate to weakness) and kind virility—a celebration of a Dionysian embodiment and a refutation of patriarchal masculinity. The Gospels disembody Jesus, while Dionysus is primarily a god of embodiment. In my second half of life, I relate much more to Dionysus than I do to Jesus Christ. Jesus came to wield a piercing sword, symbolizing the masculine patriarchy. The sword slices, divides, and subdues. Its tip drags imaginary borders across cultures and ecosystems. The sword does not embrace. It does not connect. It does not ask questions. It is not an instrument of intimacy. The sword was created for the specific task of maiming and executing prisoners, and it quite literally cuts the mind off from the body. It is a symbol of death.
Jesus’s body did not return to the forest floor to nourish the fungi and complete the virtuous cycle of decay and renewal. His body was literally “disappeared” into the heavens. No wonder his teachings have been perverted into simplistic dogma. Jesus himself is no longer even connected to the earth.
But Dionysus carried a thyrsus, literally, a flowering wand. The wand creates connections, connecting the body, mind, soul, and spirit rather than dividing and fragmenting them. It encircles us with protection during biological processes such as sex, birth, intimacy, food, drink, and death. It is a symbol of life.
In the words of Sophie Strand, Dionysus fruits up across the Mediterranean in different cities, often with a distinct appearance, offering a variety of fermented beverages. He is a vegetal god, ejaculating a flower ready to pop up and proliferate wherever nature-based, ecstatic wisdom is needed.
A hero is not an individual; a hero is a reproductive event. Patriarchy’s monolithic vision of the masculine is impaired for everyone and terrible for our culture and our ecosystems. But patriarchy is not the only narrative. Wilder, more magical masculine models have always been present underneath the layers of stories and folktales. We need to look beneath the layers.
Where are the healthy stories? Where are the compassionate, fertile masculinities? Where are the men too gentle to live among the wolves?
I know a few of these men. We are slowly gaining the courage to have honest conversations with each other—to be sensual and transparent. Some of us are gay, some are transexual, some are heterosexual, and some are polyamorous, but all of us wield a flowering wand rather than a piercing sword. We are celebrating our stories, our gentleness, our kindness, our sexuality, our phalluses, and integration rather than fragmentation. We represent a new definition of virility and masculinity.
Artist note: My latest work of art symbolizes and celebrates these men and all others who celebrate collaborative reproduction rather than rugged individualism. It is called “The Flowering Wand.” It is an exact cast of my semi-erect penis. I was taught to be ashamed of my body (particularly this body part and its size) by a religion that worshipped a disembodied Jesus. Today, I am proud of my body and this beautiful body part. It is far from perfect, yet it embodies the celebration of Dionysus: reproduction, nature, sensuality, revelry, and gentleness.
Making a cast like this is much more complicated than it would seem. It took multiple casting attempts to capture my erect (sort of) penis. The time it takes to allow the silicone and plaster to harden while remaining still and aroused without the aid of medication combines for a difficult task. With Gina’s help and after multiple failed attempts, we were finally able to capture a phallus semblance.
Roses symbolize various emotions and concepts. They are often associated with love, beauty, passion, secrecy, and mystery. Gold roses have multi-layered symbolism and significance. They symbolize a commitment that never fades, unlike fresh roses that wilt, as a gesture of enduring love.
